one fit widow

It’s lonely.


In fact, lonely is not a strong enough word to grasp the depth of aloneness that becomes your life after loss. You are desperately and hopelessly alone regardless of how many people surround you, love you, care about you.


You can be in the center of a room that is filled with family, friends, and acquaintances and yet it still feels as if you are invisible. It’s as if you are floating above your body not participating in life as you knew it before death knocked at your door and left you reeling from its cold, hard grasp.

The loneliness is so extreme that I’ve seen people do anything to avoid it. In fact, I’ve seen myself do anything to avoid it. We run away to corners of the world searching to feel co...

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I Can’t Fix This

By Michelle

My son was 13 months when he lost his father. He holds no memories of his daddy and never asks questions or brings him up. He is a happy, well-adjusted, smart, and lovable five years old. He just also happens to be a kid who’s dad died way too young. Truth be told, I don’t worry about my son nearly as much as I do my daughter, because she was a little older and seems to have a harder time with her loss.

This all changed yesterday.

As we drove to school my little man piped up from the backseat and said:

“Mommy, I miss my real daddy.”

Just like that, out of the random blue, and like a sword, through my heart, he uttered those words that rendered me utterly speechless. Through quiet tears and a cracked-voiced, I simp...

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Nearly six years ago I was given exclusive membership to one of the worlds crappiest clubs.

October 9th, 2009 – the day I went from being half of M & M, Mrs. Michelle Steinke, and the wife of Mitchel Steinke to becoming a widow.

No thanks.

You can keep your membership card because at 36, with a 1 and nearly 3 year old at home, and nothing but years of life planned before us – I don’t want admittance to your club. I didn’t ask for it, and quite frankly it sucks, so take it back and give me my loving and wonderful husband in return – PLEASE!

It took me awhile to come to grips with the fact that I was a member of this horrible club and no amount of pleading, begging, sobbing, or anger would revoke my card.

I AM...

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Loving Beyond Loss

By Michelle

I would like to start this blog post by saying that this is not a blog saying that you MUST love again post loss. This is a blog post about how you CAN love again. Happiness is not tied to being in a romantic relationship, but if you do decide that a new relationship is in your future – this blog post is meant to give hope, inspire the idea of new love, and give you acceptance when you are ready.

I’ve written just briefly about my new husband Keith, and it’s time I tell more of our love story. At times I’m torn about writing about my amazing love because I don’t want to hurt those in the first few days, weeks, and months of loss. However, I’ve come to the conclusion that people follow my story because ...

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Moments We Take For Granted ~

Today I had the privilege to have lunch with a close widow sister who has been by my side since right after I lost Mitch. I was standing in the restaurant, waiting to be seated before she arrived and a young woman walked in with the cutest little boy I’ve just about ever seen. The woman was tall and blonde, and she had a slight resemblance to me, and the little boy looked a lot like my Matthew. He grinned up at me and I couldn’t take my eyes off his cuteness. Next thing I knew, the mom walked over to the large windows that faced the street and pointed and told her son, “look, Daddy is here”. He laughed and smiled and jumped up and down as his father approached the front door. As he wa...

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After the Kiss

By Michelle

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It’s so easy to look back on my past and see all the things I could have done differently/better. My life has always been blessed, but it took the death of my 37 year old husband to realize how blessed my life really was. At the time of Mitch’s accident my young children where just 1 and 3 years old and it seemed almost inconceivable that they would grow up without him in their little lives. Through time and perspective I can look back objectively and think of all the things I would have done differently if I had been given the chance. I’d like to share those very personal regrets with you so if you are ever faced with a similar life situation, and I hope you never are, you won’t make my mistakes. We always think ...

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Signs from Daddy

By Nagarajan Ajith

Before I lost my husband I never gave much thought to signs from our loved ones. I guess its just one of those things that you do not consider until it becomes relevant to you. I grew up in a very religious environment and besides the traditional awareness I had no opinion one way or the other. I never looked down on those who believe in signs, I’m a very – live and let live – kind of a girl, but if corned I might have admitted that it was not possible or probable. This attitude was not so much a lack of faith or belief, but more a lack of interest overall. That lack of interest all changed when I became a widow and it felt as if I could not breathe without that connection to my husband.

Within hours of his death my opi...

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